Getting Organizized

I've been thinking. Maybe it isn't a very good idea to share your thoughts and feelings with others. Because then they will know just how fucked up you are and know to steer clear of you. Maybe telling all only turns you into a blithering idiot that never knows when to shutup. Or where to stop talking about a subject. Because one will inevitably run into another.

Today I came up with wanting to be somebody, and ending up feeling like nobody. Which has little to do with him and so much to do with me and the rest of my life. The notion that I don't feel like somebody because of how he functions in my life is utterly ridiculous. Because feeling like somebody is something I have struggled with ever since I can remember. Like since age 6. (or somewhere in there)

But this is how sharing seems to work; you share one feeling that deals with the subject at hand. But then it's been said, so the next thing you say has to be something else, so you say that. And it deals with the subject at hand a little less. And then you say one more thing, and one more, and before you know it, you are saying shit that has absolutely nothing to do with what you started out talking about, and you're not making sense any more.

I've been talking for over nine months. So I'm pretty far off at this point. I've even had to circle back a couple of times to remind myself what I was talking about in the first place. And he's been so patient with me when anyone else would have said 'fuck this' and walked away. He repeats himself for my benefit. A lot of the time I end up wishing I hadn't said anything at all.

So maybe it's better to keep these things in your head more. "Organizize" more.