Big Fat NO

So today I failed at what I meant to do. I didn't ever make it to the movie, mostly because I don't like doing lots of stuff in one day. But I'm still going to try to make it to the jazz night. Which means I have to leave soon. I did make it to the beach today. I was hoping the clouds would clear enough to see a nice sunset. But when I got there, there was nothing except gray. The sky, the sand, the water. I thought how aptly it mirrors my insides. Because there is no color in me.

And tonight it hit me that I really miss him. Not like I didn't know before, but I felt it again without the anger that's been with it for the last few days. But now I want to call and say hey, but I'm trying not to. Plus I couldn't stand the rejection that I endured last time. That hey, it's nice to hear from you but, no we'll not be seeing one another. There's just too much risk involved now. It was bad enough before, but now even a conversation is likely to turn into a big fat NO.

So I'm trying things alone. It's not working that well.