Rain

Last night I was laying in bed while there was a terrible storm going on outside. It was all wind and rain, but for this place, that's a storm. And then I realized that I was right, the ocean does sound like a storm. Because this was the exact sound I heard every night when I used to be welcome in his bed. Minus the sound of the tree branch scraping the house. And he seemed to think it was weird that I always thought that, but it really is true.

I got to thinking more about the ocean, and wished I could be there right now to watch it. I wished I lived in one of those big houses right on the beach with the huge windows so I could watch the storm. Watch the water on earth fight with the water in the sky. Watch the sand get caught in the middle. And I couldn't wait to see the beach again to see how different it looked after being rearranged by the tide. I wondered how high the tide had gotten. How high the waves were. It almost seemed like I was pretty close to getting in the car and driving down there, but then I remembered that the car was almost out of gas, and if I drove all the way down there, I would look like a stalker psycho for sure. So I laid in bed, closed my eyes, and imagined.

But then I started thinking about my anger. (because for some reason, storms tend to do that) I wondered if I was angry at him. I thought about him, but didn't feel anger towards him. I still felt good towards him. But I was still angry. But at what? So here are some things that keep me angry.

I'm angry that I am always alone on the holidays. I'm angry that I got dumped. Again. I'm angry that I trusted someone just because he said I should. I'm angry that I didn't listen to myself in the very beginning. I'm angry that I never knew this city without him. I'm angry I didn't bother to cultivate friendships because I was with him. I'm angry I can't get over him. I'm angry I can't fix him. I'm angry that I was so quick to give my heart to someone. I'm angry he wasn't careful with it. I'm angry he acts like my ex before he acts like my friend. I'm angry that I'm not in control. I'm angry that I don't get to make my own decisions. I'm angry that I'm being judged for my weaknesses. I'm angry that I'm treated like an invalid. I'm angry that I feel so stupid. I'm angry that nothing I say or do makes a damn bit of difference. I'm angry that I'm hurting without him and the reverse isn't true. I'm angry that I have no support system. I'm angry that every time I try to improve my life, it only seems to worsen. I'm angry that I lose when I gamble. I'm angry that I'm not the kind of person that someone else wants to be with. I'm angry that I can't overcome the memory of a previous woman. I'm angry that toys don't make me happy. I'm angry that I can't figure out how to put my heart back together again. I'm angry that I feel like the ugliest woman on the face of the earth. I'm angry that I still try to look good anyway.

I just want to scream most of the time. I think if I screamed until all my anger was gone, I wouldn't have a voice left with which to scream. And people tend to not like it when you scream. So I have to hold it all in. And I don't know what to do with it. Because I want to get rid of it before it hurts someone, especially someone I don't want to hurt, as it inevitably will. Perhaps it is like the rain; Anger Anger go away, come again some other day. Or better yet, never. I am ok with being barren like the desert as long as I don't have to deal with the rain. Because it doesn't grow flowers for me, it only hits the house.