Today I was sitting in class, and I suddenly realized how unbelievably unhappy I am. But I should be happy. I'm doing this thing that I've been wanting to do for a long time, something that makes me feel creative and I can really get my hands dirty. But it's not really very fulfilling for some reason. I think I'm the only one that cares about it. My family doesn't give a rats ass what I'm doing (not one phone call from a single blood relative on my birthday, and a single card from my father), and none of my friends seem to understand anything I do. They just nod politely and give uh-huh's at the appropriate moments. The only person who ever seemed to be on my wavelength was beach guy, and he has nearly completed his extraction from my life. I realized that today when I was sitting outside on a bench, and happened to see him. I was about to jump up to go say hi, and then I saw that quirky blonde with him. Dammit. So I stayed where I was, and watched them walk up the sidewalk. She had her arms flailing because she was probably in the midst of some dramatic story, periodically bumping into him, and he was eating it up. And then I thought, when was the last time he walked with me like that? He doesn't even have time for me anymore. Whenever I show up, it seems I get shooed away in 10 minutes or less. But this girl gets his time. His attention. His leisurely walks to the Theater Building. And who knows, maybe he even had time to have lunch with her too. I don't remember the last lunch we shared. He avoids me. And my questions. He doesn't want to carpool anymore. He doesn't even want me to know what time he's getting to school. So he can spend more time on lazy walks with the girl with stories? Or is it just that he doesn't want to be around me? I've noticed the change in him since she arrived. He notices me less and less every day. He talks to me less and less. He used to give me hugs, now I can't even get him to look at me. His face used to soften and light up every time he saw me; now he just looks at me like everybody else. I wore my cute red pants, the ones that I thought he would like, and he didn't notice. Or maybe he just didn't care. I give up. Yes, I'm jealous. Yes, I'm hung up. I'm brokenhearted and lonely and no one understands me. He really believes that I'll find someone else, as if there's a second banana waiting in the wings, but it's not going to happen. Partially because I am so hurt from everything that I've been through. But it's also because I liked who I was with him. No one has ever been able to bring out the pieces of me that he brought out. And those were some of my favorite pieces. Pieces that I don't bring out on my own. I need help to be that person I like so much. And no one else appreciates that person. They want the other person that is not so fun for me. And that person I became with him is not easily coaxed out. She was sleepy-eyed and she whispered and she noticed how great every day was. She didn't care about schedules and appointments and assignments; she only cared about spending time with him. She opened up and showed her feelings and never held anything back. She was honest and generous and only cared about how happy she suddenly was. And her life seemed easier and lighter. And someone was finally walking beside her and understanding what she was. And she felt free to take risks and do things she wasn't used to because he said it would be ok and she trusted him. She was willing to trade her independence for solidarity and peace of mind. It was completely worth it to her. I like that girl. I miss her. I miss him too.