Shortcomings
Today was an awful day. I've cried twice. I swore I would be different, that I would be strong. But I suck at it. He has this talent for pointing out all my shortcomings that it hurts me and makes me want to scream. I get angry and testy about it, mostly because these are things that I already know and to have it pointed out by someone you are trying to hide yourself from is exasperating. There are so many things I want to say to him; hurtful, mean things, just so I can feel better.
I came to class late today. I told him I would be. And as the lights came up, I noticed her, that quirky blonde, the one I loathe sitting in my spot. It made my blood boil. It seems like such an innocuous thing, but he knew I was coming and let her sit there anyway. He could have asked her to sit somewhere else, but he didn't. I wonder if he knew she was coming. He could have warned me so I could prepare myself. And I happened to look up at precisely the wrong instant to see him wink at her. My stomach turned and it took every breath of life in me not to make a big scene right then and there.
And on the way home my only thought was Fuck Her. And Him. He has literally replaced me; I saw it with my own eyes. They can have all their little dinners and sleepovers and beach visits because she's oh so funny and entertaining and makes him forget about other stuff and those are tasks that I am unable (and now unwilling) to perform. It seems that lately the only serious attention I've gotten from him originated in his crotch. Like I am some kind of whore. And she is the companion.
I feel cheap. The relationship I thought I had with him feels cheap. It feels like a lie. It feels like I was used for sex. Like it never even mattered that I have feelings. I think this is some strategy that men have when they just want to get laid. Go for the geeky girls. They will be so bowled over by your affection, they will definitely screw you, and you know how "generous" an ugly girl is in bed (someone actually told me that once). Date the pretty girls, screw the ugly ones. I guess that really must be how it goes. Never trust a man if you are the geeky girl in glasses. They don't care what you have to say. They don't care what you have in your heart. They will walk away unscathed. Lesson learned.
Now I've cried three times today.
I came to class late today. I told him I would be. And as the lights came up, I noticed her, that quirky blonde, the one I loathe sitting in my spot. It made my blood boil. It seems like such an innocuous thing, but he knew I was coming and let her sit there anyway. He could have asked her to sit somewhere else, but he didn't. I wonder if he knew she was coming. He could have warned me so I could prepare myself. And I happened to look up at precisely the wrong instant to see him wink at her. My stomach turned and it took every breath of life in me not to make a big scene right then and there.
And on the way home my only thought was Fuck Her. And Him. He has literally replaced me; I saw it with my own eyes. They can have all their little dinners and sleepovers and beach visits because she's oh so funny and entertaining and makes him forget about other stuff and those are tasks that I am unable (and now unwilling) to perform. It seems that lately the only serious attention I've gotten from him originated in his crotch. Like I am some kind of whore. And she is the companion.
I feel cheap. The relationship I thought I had with him feels cheap. It feels like a lie. It feels like I was used for sex. Like it never even mattered that I have feelings. I think this is some strategy that men have when they just want to get laid. Go for the geeky girls. They will be so bowled over by your affection, they will definitely screw you, and you know how "generous" an ugly girl is in bed (someone actually told me that once). Date the pretty girls, screw the ugly ones. I guess that really must be how it goes. Never trust a man if you are the geeky girl in glasses. They don't care what you have to say. They don't care what you have in your heart. They will walk away unscathed. Lesson learned.
Now I've cried three times today.
posted by Ocean | 11:24 PM
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