As I Go

Back in the USA. It feels strange. It's so familiar, but it's almost like I'm seeing it for the first time. Seeing my backyard, my car, him, myself. Things are different. And yet still exactly the same. Maybe the lighting is just better. Today I found myself trying to figure out how I could move to Paris and make a living. I couldn't come up with the answer, but it still didn't thwart the fantasy.

I feel like I've grown up somehow. Seen the kind of person I am, the kind of person I want to be, the kind of person I am able to be. I don't have to be anything I don't want to be. I feel resolute. Self aware. Balanced. I don't know the last time I felt this way. The trick is keeping it like this and not getting sucked into the old ways of doing things. Old habits of thinking. Sadly, I have to start with him. I have to give him a minimal part in my life; a demotion from the starring role he's played for so long now. It is difficult, but it is all too clear that it is my only choice. Otherwise I'll slip back down the slope to self-loathing.

It's always terrible to know that you are about to hurt someone. I have a really hard time doing it. This is no exception. I have agonized over this decision for quite some time now, and the time for action has come. Real action. Offensive action. I guess it's sort of along the lines of having a good defense by having a good offense.

Or something like that.

I know I'm giving something up. Something special to me that is going to be difficult. If I had another way, I would go that way. But there are no other ways. No other exits.

And I'm worried. Afraid of what is going to happen. To me. To him. To everything. This is the path I create rather than follow. It is completely unknown territory. Like France. I don't speak the language, or know the customs, or the roadsigns, but I'm just going to have to figure it out as I go.