Up to Me

I sent the letter on Thursday. He received it on Friday. Today is Sunday. Three days. I've been pretty much ok for that time, but today I felt the pangs of loneliness when I wanted to talk to him about something and knew that I couldn't. And that I wouldn't. Because we don't do that anymore. Because I'm trying to be independent now.

So I'm hanging out with my roommate and some other people in her family, gorging ourselves on s'mores, and I just really missed him. I'm trying to fight the down feelings of being without him by watching stupid movies and keeping people around me. Concentrating on other things. It's half working.

I'm down to occupying myself with lists: reading lists, movie lists, work lists, dates of events, things to put away, things to write. Things to keep me busy during the time that I'm alone. And trying to stay awake. Jet lag is still taking its toll. My body doesn't want to go the extra couple of hours to a normal California clock.

But this is how I have to take control of my life. By being in control of every minute. I stopped taking this pill too. To take control of my body too. Not let chemicals run my body. There has to be as many things under my control as possible. My time, my work, my school, my nights, my days, my body, my emotions. It all has to be up to me. And it soon will be.