All I Have

Of course it had to end. And how fitting that it would be a Monday. Monday now seems to be the day that it feels like the world is crashing down; that there is a panic attack waiting to pounce as soon as I round the corner. Monday is the day that I have to fend off tears at ten o'clock at night and almost always fail. And today should have been a good day. My film showed in class (to mixed reviews), I saw another film that actually depressed me even more, and then my film showed again to people who matter and people who were just there (to better reviews). And then back to the longing of feeling like I want to be worth something and I've fallen short once again. The umpteenth time and it still hits my chest with a hollow thud. That feeling like it should be and will be raining for the rest of my life.

I realized tonight on the way home that I've actually had a pretty good life. I've done lots of things. I've done crazy things, smart things, fun things, adventurous things, and normal things. But sometimes it feels like it's all for nothing because there has never been anyone to share it with. And now I'm trudging around with this broken heart that makes everything seem so much bleaker than it might look otherwise. I feel like my life is slowing down, but it really isn't. It just seems like it because my heart's not really in it anymore. I just do it. Because if it weren't for this stuff, all I would have is a broken heart. But so often it seems like that's all I have anyway.