Resolutions

I am vehemently opposed to making New Year's Resolutions. I have ongoing resolutions. Most of them start around the time of my birthday (which is the only holiday I really observe). However, here is the list. Some of them have been on it for a while and are still far from acheivement, while others are brand new.

1. Don't buy any clothing that mentions words like "padded", "figure enhancing" or "slimming". There's no point.
2. Stop buying makeup. You don't know how to use it, so stop trying.
3. Read something. Your brain is rotting.
4. Write something. With a pen. Your hands are starting to atrophy.
5. Go outside. The sun is shining.
6. See the sunset. Make a point.
7. For chrissake, stop falling in love. He's only going to leave you, you dumb bitch.
8. Clean up. It won't kill you.
9. Light candles. Isn't that what you bought them for?
10. Disconnect sometimes. That means cell phone and laptop at the same time.
11. Take care of your feet.
12. Stop bitching.
13. Stop telling the same boring stories repeatedly. Just stop talking altogether.
14. Stop whining and crying.
15. Be nicer to your family. Yes, they can be real jerks sometimes, but so can you. It could be a lot worse.
16. Watch more movies.
17. Stop comparing yourself to Big D. You'll never get to her level.
19. Eat. And stop eating that crap from the food court.
20. Fuck. Learn how to count.
21. Stop taking Cosmo quizzes. You already know the answer, and they're depressing anyway.
22. Stop buying lingerie. You sleep in The Middle, spinster.
23. Drink more wine. Especially the good stuff.
24. Update your software. Computer geeks everywhere are sneering at you.
25. Concentrate on your work. This is what you wanted, remember?
26. Stop fidgeting. It's annoying.
27. Look at people when they talk to you. You're being rude.
28. Be independent. No one is going to help you anymore.
29. Stop checking the phone. He's not going to call.
30. Keep in touch. Yes, it's work, but they are your friends and they like you even when you're a jackass.
31. Stop criticizing. Ok, it's a hard one, but at least keep it to yourself.
32. Figure out how to laugh. It used to be fun, remember?
33. Stop worrying about people liking you. More people liked you when you weren't so paranoid.
34. Don't preach. It's annoying.
35. Know when you're not wanted. You should've been working on this a long time ago.
36. Don't overstay your welcome. See #35.
37. Stop having meltdowns. It's getting old.
38. Stop putting pressure on people. Word is, it makes them feel trapped, dumbass.
39. Control your emotions. Count to ten or something, but geez, get it tofuckinggether.
40. Take your own advice.