Another Link

Today was a very sad day. It's another link in the chain to my current despair, and a big one at that. Our first date was one year ago today. It was so much warmer then. I remember trying on about everything in my closet, but especially every little black dress I owned. And I didn't want to get cold, but I didn't want to wear something big and bulky and non-flattering either, so I was conflicted about what to wear. And then I found a great LBD that I had forgotten about with long sleeves and a turtleneck that was made of wool. But when I put it on, I discovered a hole in one of the sleeves and was thoroughly non-plussed. So I had to go with the old standby LBD, the one that gets me out of just about every jam. I don't remember where or when I got it, or how much I paid for it, but whatever it was, it's worth every penny. So I wore it, with my sassy and strappy red velvet shoes, my black shawl, and my cool beaded purse that can hold my driver's license, some bills, a credit card, and car keys and that's about it. I can also fit lipstick if I pack it carefully.

It was the first time I had ever been to his house. And of course it was dark so I couldn't read the numbers so I had to call him and it turned out I was standing right in front of his house. I felt like such an idiot. But back then it didn't seem to matter. And we went to dinner and were waited on by a hip young guy but I just really wanted to ask him about the wine and eat something. I remember the lobster bisque in the tiny cups and it triggered my memory of the chef ex-boyfriend and his Amuse and I wondered if he was paying attention at this very moment. And then we shared a salad and I had duck, because I always have duck because I love it and I'm not sure but I think he had tuna. I'm pretty sure it was seafood. And we had a bottle of wine and ended up with a glass of port for me and a cappucino for him and at that time it was one of the most fabulous dinners I had ever had. Definitely top five (it's hard to compete with a chef). And we talked just like we did at the coffee place and just like on the phone but it was better because our everyday lives weren't there and we could just be with each other and not worry about anything else. And we went back to his house and I knew I should leave because a lady always leaves, but I was having such a good time with him and I didn't want it to stop. So we talked and I stayed and changed into sweats (always keep spare clothes in the car) and we slept and he held me just like it was something he'd been doing with me for a long time already.

And it was the start of something that I thought was unbreakable. But history and your own shortcomings catch up with you eventually, and this was no exception.

It paints a stark contrast to today. Not only did I not see him, he isn't even in the same county today. And I spent the day trying not to think about it but of course failing miserably and being glad I was at home alone feeling sick to my stomach instead of in public feeling sick to my stomach. And the same thoughts ran through my head that run through it every day, but faster and with more urgency.

So I stayed in my dark room most of the day until the Film Fest that I felt obligated to go to, since there was a chance they would be showing my work. (in my opinion, it's really bad form to not show up for your own screenings) But he called me on my way there, interrupting my thoughts of what he and I were doing at this very moment a year ago and what we were doing now. I was confused when he called, because all I could think was Why? But I was also glad. And when I got to the Fest, there were so many people there, people that I knew, but had nothing to say to. And I still felt sick. And my feet were hurting. And my heart was hurting.

I sat through it bravely to the intermission, even though one of the films included dialog trying to sound intelligent, but ending up saying "whom which" in a sentence, which thoroughly pissed me off. I wandered around aimlessly during the intermission, with no one to talk to, until I ran into the guy from class that is so nice to everyone and is really smart, too. And we got to talking and my year old date came up in conversation and this guy said he thought quirky blonde girl and my date were an item because he saw them kissing once. And because they really seemed to like each other and were together a lot. And I thought I was going to throw up or faint or lose it on the sidewalk like the mother. But I just gritted my teeth and said Oh really, you think so?, hoping he wouldn't notice. And it was nice to feel like I'm not imagining things when someone who doesn't care either way is thinking the same thing I'm thinking, but at the same time, I don't want the possibility of their togetherness to be more possible. I would rather be crazy.

So my year had been bookended with both sides of the spectrum. The first with new stuff that's fun, the last with new stuff that's not fun. At least not fun for me.