Pause

Today is a day of rest. I have run myself into the ground for the last days, and now it is time to recuperate. So I'm in bed, contemplating a nap or a shower. But I still feel guilty for blowing everything off today. No trip to school.

I actually feel kind of numb. It's strange, when your body goes from feeling every little thing to feeling nothing at all. My usually out-of-control emotions are even on standby. Right now I can't even remember what I felt like a few days ago. The constant turning of the screw stripped the threads for a while. So I'm not happy, or sad, or angry, just numb. Blah.

And today is the first day of the last month. For some reason, it feels like it's important. But I'm not really looking forward to much of anything except guilt trip ridden vacation. Holidays just aren't the same without your family making you feel bad.

Plus this is an important month when I remember what I was doing a year ago. All the firsts that would soon become lasts. And I didn't ever want to let it go. But no one gave me a choice. So I go through every day, and they are relentless, just like me. It never seems to want to let up, but if it ever did, people would wonder what happened. There is no end. There are only pauses.