Big Mouth

There are two kinds of thoughts. Those that stay up in my head, and those that escape. Those escapees are dangerous. You never know what kind of havoc they're going to wreak on your world. So I try to keep them under lock and key in my real life. (this, of course, is NOT real life, so I can say whatever I want)

He says he doesn't like it when I don't tell him things, that I should talk to him, but he doesn't realize how difficult his request is. I hate turning my insides out in front of someone else. It's always so messy and embarrassing. And it almost always comes out in some convoluted way so that it doesn't look like anything I ever intended. I end up sounding like some delusional, overprotective, jealous, overwrought jackass, and who really wants to listen to that? It's like some strange version of Spin Alley that lives between my brain and my big mouth.

So I'm a little gunshy about talking about things.

Actually, I'm terrified.

There are so many things going through my brain that I'm thinking and feeling, and they don't always agree with each other. So I end up saying things that are completely opposite and I don't make any sense. Add to that my incessant fear of what might happen when I say things, and it's a recipe for disaster.

I'm terrified of seeing him.
I'm terrified of not seeing him.
Of talking to him.
Of not talking to him.

It's a no-win situation. So do I talk? Not talk?
I don't want to keep things locked up inside me. I don't want to live with the humiliation of saying stupid things either.
How much is too much? How much is not enough?