Secrets and Lies
He went to Lyttle Vegas this morning. I wonder if he was alone. I don't think he was. And if I'm right, I'm really pissed. Because he should have told me. I think it's been established that omissions do, in fact, count as lies. I really want to believe that I'm just being paranoid, but my excuses for him didn't check out. I walked in on him on the phone: "I'm leaving around ten, so give me a call. I'm looking forward to it."
I wanted it to be his brother. I had even convinced myself that it was.
But then today I remembered that he can't call long distance from that phone. It had to be her.
So he's taken her to this place that is really special and doesn't even have the courtesy to tell me. He's hiding it. He doesn't hide me. He tells her every little thing that we do before we do it, as if he's checking in with her so she'll always know where he is. She asks me about things that I didn't even know she knew and it makes me feel weird because I wonder what else is he telling her that I don't know about?
He hides things from me so I never know where he is, and he never tells me about things ahead of time. Especially if they involve her. And it makes me wonder what else is he doing with her that I don't know about?
If he's willing to hide conversations or dinner with her from me, what else is he hiding that I didn't think to ask about? I fucking hate that. I have asked him repeatedly to let me know about these things before they happen, that I shouldn't have to ask about them to find out. I don't want to play detective. I want to trust him, but I can't when he keeps things from me. He thinks he is not hurting me, but it is worse to not know.
I want to be wrong. I want there to be a perfectly good explanation for all this, but I can't see it. I wish I hadn't walked in on a phone call he obviously didn't want me to hear. I wish I had taken longer in the bathroom. It feels like he's sneaking around. And what really gets my goat is that he doesn't see how this could be interpreted as the "new girlfriend". People don't hide their friends. They talk about their friends. He thinks I'm insane because I find her threatening. If he were in my shoes, he would too.
I've made the effort. The effort to accept her, to trust him, to get used to things. And I have failed. These are things I can't do alone, and neither one of them is helping. She remains standoffish, he remains secretrive, I remain suspicious. This fucking sucks.
I wanted it to be his brother. I had even convinced myself that it was.
But then today I remembered that he can't call long distance from that phone. It had to be her.
So he's taken her to this place that is really special and doesn't even have the courtesy to tell me. He's hiding it. He doesn't hide me. He tells her every little thing that we do before we do it, as if he's checking in with her so she'll always know where he is. She asks me about things that I didn't even know she knew and it makes me feel weird because I wonder what else is he telling her that I don't know about?
He hides things from me so I never know where he is, and he never tells me about things ahead of time. Especially if they involve her. And it makes me wonder what else is he doing with her that I don't know about?
If he's willing to hide conversations or dinner with her from me, what else is he hiding that I didn't think to ask about? I fucking hate that. I have asked him repeatedly to let me know about these things before they happen, that I shouldn't have to ask about them to find out. I don't want to play detective. I want to trust him, but I can't when he keeps things from me. He thinks he is not hurting me, but it is worse to not know.
I want to be wrong. I want there to be a perfectly good explanation for all this, but I can't see it. I wish I hadn't walked in on a phone call he obviously didn't want me to hear. I wish I had taken longer in the bathroom. It feels like he's sneaking around. And what really gets my goat is that he doesn't see how this could be interpreted as the "new girlfriend". People don't hide their friends. They talk about their friends. He thinks I'm insane because I find her threatening. If he were in my shoes, he would too.
I've made the effort. The effort to accept her, to trust him, to get used to things. And I have failed. These are things I can't do alone, and neither one of them is helping. She remains standoffish, he remains secretrive, I remain suspicious. This fucking sucks.
posted by Ocean | 11:21 AM
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