Kyrie Eleison

I am not Catholic. I am not religious at all, really. I'm pretty much your run of the mill heathen. I drink (I'm doing it now!), observe no religious holidays (although I tried to claim my birthday as one, and Christmas is even a maybe most years), and I think Sunday is for football. I believe in (and practice) pre-marital sex. However, I must admit that some really beautiful things came about because of religion. Conversely, many really ugly things have come about because of religion (i.e. war, genocide, discrimination, hate, etc.), but that's a discussion for another time. I only want to talk about the good stuff. I hate church. Or "The Church" to be more specific. Churches as a rule creep me out. However, churches have provided us with some of the most beautiful and amazing architecture in the world. They also have better acoustics than many concert halls. When I was studying voice, I always preferred to perform in churches because the sound was so amazing. Some of the most beautiful music in the history of music is sacred. However tedious and drawn out Mass may be, I have become familiar with a few of them. (We were required to learn all the parts of the Mass in Music History) My favorite has always been the Kyrie Eleison. For some reason, this one always resonated inside me. Maybe because it's one of two that is still performed in Greek rather than Latin. (I think that's pretty cool.) It's more likely that it translates as 'Cry to Heaven'. I feel like I've been doing that all my life. When my pony was shot in the head, when my high school friend was shot in the back, when I was violated by someone I barely knew, when my ex was killed in a car crash, when my heart was shattered into a million pieces, and all the times in between when I felt like I was marked for misery. Which is a lot of the time. The only trouble is, I don't think heaven is ever listening. (Which explains part of the reason I'm not religious.) I'm almost 30 years old. I have yet to have a relationship last longer than 9 months (with all but two being less than 6 weeks). I've never had a job that I cared about. I've never been on salary. No one has ever wished they could be me. No one has ever wished they could be with me. I don't own anything worth more than five hundred bucks (except the car, which doesn't count). No place feels like home. My family thinks I'm crazy. And incompetent. The man I want to spend the rest of my life with is in love with someone else. I have less than 5 friends I can talk to. The only thing I really love about this place is the ocean. I feel like a moron in every class I attend. No matter how much 'talent' I have, so many people have more. I hate my body. So I'm crying. To heaven, to christ, to anyone who will listen. Does it do any good? It seems not. I've been blackballed by the cosmos. Or whomever. But I can only keep crying. Kyrie Eleison. Kyrie Eleison.Kyrie Eleison.Kyrie Eleison.Kyrie Eleison.