Eating Out Ettiquette, Part 1

Unfortunately, I am one of those poor souls that is forced to work for a living. Tragic, I know. To make matters even worse, I only have enough skills to get work waiting tables in a restaurant. Now, I am lucky enough to work in a nice place (a resort even), where I don’t have to worry much about non-tippers or people who run out on the bill, but there are always downsides to swanky places too. For instance, for some reason, women with money tend to believe that if they don’t order something that isn’t on the menu, or at least make something on the menu so complicated with special requests that it takes a small miracle to get it right, they aren’t getting their money’s worth. For all you ladies, just eat that fucking steak and like it. Go to Burger King if you want it done your way. And as a special note, if you ask for something special and you get it, show your appreciation with a thank you and a little something extra (I mean money, you cheap bitch) for your server. We put up with a lot of shit, and that béarnaise that you just got was made especially for you from scratch. And don’t waste it.

Also, if you are the only one in the restaurant and your server is mindlessly wandering around while you finish your water, LEAVE. That “tip” you are leaving is not enough to keep someone waiting around on your dumb ass. Eat and leave. That’s how this works. If you want to stay overnight, you’ll have to check in at the front desk, not on our patio.

If you want wine, fine. We like wine here. It’s fun. However, it is not something that we are going to speak of in hushed tones, as if it is the nectar and you are the gods partaking. Don’t speak to me as if you are something special because you asked for a thirty-dollar bottle of wine. I drink this stuff every day. I know what it tastes like, and you, you know-nothing fat ass, just chose the cheapest bottle on the list. Don’t think I’m going to compliment you on your exquisite taste. I’m not. Even if you ordered the expensive bottle, it’s not going to happen. I’ve had that too. So just shut up and drink, stop pontificating at me, and order the second bottle. Oh, and don’t forget, you are expected to tip on the wine, too, you cheap bastard.

Unfortunately, our restaurant allows dogs on their outdoor patio. For those of you who can’t bear to be without Fluffy for a few hours, here’s a tip. Make sure your dog has manners. Any barking, whimpering, growling, or sounds of any kind are not acceptable or appropriate at dinner. And if your dog tries to bite someone (especially me), you sure as hell better have a good lawyer. And don’t be surprised if I kick the crap out of your beast. It deserves whatever happens. And don’t forget to tip extra if your dog is a pain in the ass.

There are plenty of other guidelines one should remember when eating in public, but these are only a few that I wanted to address right now. I’m sure I’ll feel the need to address a myriad of other do’s and don’t’s, but I’ll save those for later.