Sometimes I just want to cry for no reason. I'll see a tree, or a street sign, and feel like I just can't keep it together anymore. I think I'm weird. But I'm really just unhappy. But I just don't know why. There are lots of good things in my life. I do good things. I'm always concentrating on the things that are wrong; the things I can't have. Why should I always torture myself like this?

But this thing, this element that I want in my life is not a thing at all. It is so necessary to my happiness that it seeps into every other facet of my life. You never miss something if you've never had it. Sometimes I wish I could take an eraser to the chalkboard in my head. But it's too late for that. Now it's just damage control. I feel like I'm trying to stop a boat from sinking with a bucket, outrun a train. It seems hopeless.

I struggle for hope--just one thing that will make everything seem ok again. Those small rays are often so faint I am scrambling to grasp them before the door closes again. Even if I could catch it, it would suffocate and disappear as if it had never been there in the first place. This isn't stress. This is hopelessness. This is despair. This is frustration. This is helplessness. This is a broken heart.