Change

I'm so tired of trying to be a good friend to a man who couldn't care less. It doesn't matter to him in the least that the regular happenings of friendship are things that I actually have to work to control because I want more. I will always want more. Lots more. But it really makes no difference in the end. Because he will always find someone better to hang out with, I will always be plan B, and before too long, he'll even find someone that he wants to sleep with that isn't me. And I will be stuck with a knot in my stomach that will prevent me from eating anything and I will wither away and die without a trace or anyone even noticing.

I want to quit now and forget that I ever came to California. I want to live in my parents' basement and be unemployed and do absolutely nothing for many many many years. Not that it would make a difference to anyone. Things would be pretty much the same as they are now.

No one would call me.
I would have no money.
My life would be boring.
I would be alone all the time.

Nothing would change.