Ne me quitte pas

49 hours.
Breakfast: none
Lunch: none
Movie: Bread and Tulips
Cried: 6 times

This is officially the longest we've gone without talking. But it might as well be nothing because it's all I can think about. Everything leads back to this place. I wonder what he is doing right now. It seems hopeless. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, right? And I know that his life is progressing just as normally as before. I'm sure he occasionally stops and thinks, oh yeah, her, but then goes on drinking his coffee or reading or riding his bike or whatever he's doing. And then he calls Big D because she always makes him feel better.

Ne me quitte pas. I say it over and over and over but it's too late. It was too late months ago when Catherine Deneuve was singing it. Maybe it never really meant anything in the first place. But it doesn't stop me from hoping that at some point it will have some sort of effect. That it will make anyone listen.

The thing I look forward to today is the mail. I'm hoping my postcard is in it because it's been all I can think of for the past 2 days. It's really the only thing that's keeping me from total meltdown. Was I wrong to cut off all other forms of communication? Is this worse than the pain of always wanting more? I wish I had encouraging words to tell me everything is going to be ok. That I'm doing the right thing. That I'm not crazy and I'm not pathetic and I'm not stupid. But he was really the only one who was good at that sort of thing. So I'm screwed, because I only have myself to talk to, and I'm not very good at consolation. I only tell myself to keep it together.