Trade In
I want to trade in my life. This one's broken. Defective. It's supposed to go somewhere, but it never does. It kind of sputters when you try to start it, and just when you think it's going to turn over and you'll be able to rev it up, it just dies and goes back to nothing. I've tried to fix it, but to no avail. It just doesn't work. It's such crap, no one will even carpool with me. Even they are too embarassed to be seen in my life. I don't blame them. I'm just as horrified as they are.
I'm alone in this. No, really. I'm not exaggerating. There's no mom or brother or buddy to help in this. This life is so far gone, any doctor would just tell you to pull the plug and trade it in for scrap. Maybe you could get a nice toaster out of it. Maybe.
I'm trying to get used to this. It's not easy. When I'm driving home through the rain or in the dark and I drive over that enormous bridge, I realize that if I simply let go of the wheel, I'd probably just sail over the railing to the parking lot below. And when (or if) I got to the hospital and they ask me who they should contact, I wouldn't be able to list anyone. (Can a laptop comfort you on your death bed?? Oh, wait, I think it already is...) There is no family I need to see before I go, and no friends I'd feel ok inconveniencing by pulling them away from their real friends. Those people might be "fond" of me, but that's not enough for deathbed confessions. People are "fond" of Swiss cheese. People are "fond" of the color blue, tulips, and nature shows. But they don't cry when those things aren't around anymore. They just find replacements.
So I need to trade in my life for one that isn't broken. One that's worth the effort, for me and everyone else. One where people bother to ask "Are you Ok?" and "How are you?" not because they're supposed to, but because they give a fuck and they notice you. I'd like a shiny new life that has some sort of meaning, direction, or fulfillment. Preferrably all three, but I'm not too picky. One that I could care about. One that's worth defending. A red one would be nice.
I'm alone in this. No, really. I'm not exaggerating. There's no mom or brother or buddy to help in this. This life is so far gone, any doctor would just tell you to pull the plug and trade it in for scrap. Maybe you could get a nice toaster out of it. Maybe.
I'm trying to get used to this. It's not easy. When I'm driving home through the rain or in the dark and I drive over that enormous bridge, I realize that if I simply let go of the wheel, I'd probably just sail over the railing to the parking lot below. And when (or if) I got to the hospital and they ask me who they should contact, I wouldn't be able to list anyone. (Can a laptop comfort you on your death bed?? Oh, wait, I think it already is...) There is no family I need to see before I go, and no friends I'd feel ok inconveniencing by pulling them away from their real friends. Those people might be "fond" of me, but that's not enough for deathbed confessions. People are "fond" of Swiss cheese. People are "fond" of the color blue, tulips, and nature shows. But they don't cry when those things aren't around anymore. They just find replacements.
So I need to trade in my life for one that isn't broken. One that's worth the effort, for me and everyone else. One where people bother to ask "Are you Ok?" and "How are you?" not because they're supposed to, but because they give a fuck and they notice you. I'd like a shiny new life that has some sort of meaning, direction, or fulfillment. Preferrably all three, but I'm not too picky. One that I could care about. One that's worth defending. A red one would be nice.
posted by Ocean | 11:44 PM
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