Wondering

Today I found myself wondering. Today is the fourth day I haven't spoken to him, and it feels very strange. He always said that he would be the first one to crack; that he would want to talk to me before I would want to talk to him. I wonder. He is always telling me how important I am in his life, but I wonder.

I drove to my new old beach today, and walked down the few steps to the sand. I love how the ocean suddenly opens up in front of you here. It's just like a narrow doorway opening up to a vast openness. It's beautiful. I laid my blanket down on the perfectly flat sand, and I don't think I've ever seen that. Flat, firm, and soft. I sat in my little alcove of wall, sheltered from pretty much everything. Less than twenty pairs of feet walked by, including the dogs. I love this. But I wonder.

I wonder what he's been doing all week. I wonder if he's thinking about me. I wonder if he'll write to me. I wonder if he's mad at me. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he's sad without me. I wonder if he wants to talk to me, but doesn't want to call for some reason. I wonder what that reason is (actually, I speculate). I wonder when he will want to talk to me again. I wonder if he even wants me around any more. I wonder if I'm really as important as he thought. I wonder if he still thinks I'm attractive. Or sexy. Or even pretty. Even a little bit. Or if he thinks I'm an ugly monster. Or a geeky girl with glasses. I wonder if he's seeing someone. I wonder where he is right now. Who he is with. I wonder if this is how things end. I wonder if I'll ever get my painting back. I wonder if I'll ever get a lot of things back.