Torture or the Truck?

My heart started pounding tonight and I thought I was having a heart attack. I suppose I was, but not the physical palpitating kind. It was the emotional oh my god it hurts kind. I wanted to talk to him and say hello and lots of other things that should never come out of my mouth when he is within earshot. I wanted to throw myself at his feet for the thousandth pathetic time, hoping that maybe this time something would be different. I don't know why.

For some reason, I have this belief that he isn't really listening to anything I say or he just forgets very quickly. I've been trying so hard to be chipper girl lately, that it almost feels like he might think I'm just fabulous and nothing about the whole situation is bothering me anymore. But he's smarter than that, and I know that. But my heart still wants to pour itself out as if it has something new to say that might change his mind. I have been wringing this cloth out for over a year, and not only is it not dripping wet anymore, it's not wet at all anymore. There is nothing left to say. There is nothing that will change his feeling. There is no way for me to change and make everything better and be exactly what he wants.

The thing is, when you spend so much time being chipper, the sadness kind of hits you all at once. When you let it do it's thing naturally, it just kind of drips incessantly. So this is the choice you have, and neither one is very desirable. You can either delay, then get levelled by a tractor trailer as soon as you are alone, or you can do the leaky faucet chinese water torture thing. Break every bone in your body, or slowly go insane. I know the studio audience is waiting, but I really don't know which to take: The torture or the truck?