Slip of the Tongue

I have this charming habit of pushing unpleasant things to the side and letting them fester for a while before thinking about them again. And this is it today: I marvel at how glib he can be when he knows how easy it is to wound my already fragile self-esteem.

He was glib when he asked me if I wanted to meet a man. I almost burst into tears as soon as he said it. Obviously, he thought I was kidding when I said he broke my heart. But that was many months ago, and I let it slide.

But this time, he started it. He went away for a few days, and when he came back, he asked me if I had missed him. I said yes. He said A lot? And I quietly admitted it. Then I followed with Did you miss me? And he came back with a quick I didn't think of you one time. I'm pretty sure he is kidding, but that's what's so fucking hurtful. He never laughed or said just kidding. It also seems diabolical to leave that possible kernel of truth in my lap, especially since I never asked for it. Asking someone if they miss you always gets the return question. It is inevitable.

So this is the Catch-22. If he did think about me and miss me, then there is some underlying emotion, and he is choosing to kid me about it, or lie about it. If he did not think about me and miss me, then he just brought the whole thing up to make himself feel better and make me feel worse. But the third option is that he never gave any thought to what he was saying because he doesn't care that his glibness can hurt me, and does.