Irritation
I can't help it. I am still upset about a spat a few days ago. There was just something about it that got me so riled up I was screaming (yes, SCREAMING) in my car as I drove home. I was swearing under my breath at the grocery store. I was shaking and clenching my teeth and fists and couldn't wait to get back into my car so I could scream again. It's not often I get this pissed off, and I have a hard time letting go of things sometimes.
So today I tried to unwind by doing some quiet things, which of course were still tainted by our argument. I went to the museum. I worried that I would see him, and was irritated about being worried. I went to the beach. I was pissed that not far down the strand was "forbidden". I was swearing in my head again. I checked the mail. I was irritated at being omitted from this week's mailing. I made hotel reservations. I was irritated that there are even places in Paris that I now have to avoid. I watched the sunset. I was pissed I couldn't see it the way I wanted because that, also, is forbidden. I ate. I was irritated that he makes fun of my eating habits. I sat in my living room, enjoying the quiet wherein I could do my work. I was irritated he didn't call.
I hate it when things get to me like this. I have been obsessed. On top of it all, I am so stubborn that I refuse to talk to him about it unless he brings it up, and until then, I will not be hanging out with him or calling him or talking to him about anything that doesn't involve school stuff.
I'm even irritated that he offered up some sort of apology. The problem is, he didn't apologize for the thing that pissed me off the most. He apologized for something that pissed me off at the time, but forgot about later. And I don't know if I'll ever really be able to express what I'm so mad about. Which means that maybe we are no longer going to be friends. It is starting to look that way, since he hasn't made much effort to talk to me lately. Maybe he's moving me out and dusting off that space for someone else. It would just figure.
So today I tried to unwind by doing some quiet things, which of course were still tainted by our argument. I went to the museum. I worried that I would see him, and was irritated about being worried. I went to the beach. I was pissed that not far down the strand was "forbidden". I was swearing in my head again. I checked the mail. I was irritated at being omitted from this week's mailing. I made hotel reservations. I was irritated that there are even places in Paris that I now have to avoid. I watched the sunset. I was pissed I couldn't see it the way I wanted because that, also, is forbidden. I ate. I was irritated that he makes fun of my eating habits. I sat in my living room, enjoying the quiet wherein I could do my work. I was irritated he didn't call.
I hate it when things get to me like this. I have been obsessed. On top of it all, I am so stubborn that I refuse to talk to him about it unless he brings it up, and until then, I will not be hanging out with him or calling him or talking to him about anything that doesn't involve school stuff.
I'm even irritated that he offered up some sort of apology. The problem is, he didn't apologize for the thing that pissed me off the most. He apologized for something that pissed me off at the time, but forgot about later. And I don't know if I'll ever really be able to express what I'm so mad about. Which means that maybe we are no longer going to be friends. It is starting to look that way, since he hasn't made much effort to talk to me lately. Maybe he's moving me out and dusting off that space for someone else. It would just figure.
posted by Ocean | 1:09 AM
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