Average
Nothing is worse than disappointment. Except maybe for being average. But I guess being average is a disappointment, so they kind of go together. I always wanted to be that kid, the one that was separated from the group because of some amazing quality. That kid that people picked out of a crowd because of her movie-star good looks or her natural singing voice or limber and graceful dancing or something like that.
Never happened. Not once.
But for some reason I still cling to the hope that somewhere, at some time, someone is going to find me special. I've toned it down quite a bit since I was 8, but it's still there. I'm just not as surprised when someone doesn't notice me. Or when I'm not the one they think of first.
I like attention. Lots of it. But I lack the things that get people attention. I lack the looks, the talent, the wit, the charm, and that other certain something that seems to bewitch people. Nope. Instead they talk to me while thinking about someone else that they wish they could be talking to. They tolerate attention from me but long to get it from another. They turn to me when all other options are exhausted.
It's disappointing. It's depressing.
To know how not special or amazing or intriguing I am not to just someone, but everyone. Being average is lonely. Sometimes I wish I could board up the door of my little bedroom and unhook every outlet to other people and just stay here forever, without having to face the bitter disappointment of being lost in the middle. I would never again have to see how unnoticed I am, or hear how unexciting my voice is, or feel how unwanted my body is. I could be average, but the best at it in my own little space where no one could tell me different.
But that, too, is lonely. Safe, but lonely.
So it appears the only solution to the dilemma is to not be average. How does one go about that? How does one set themselves apart from the rest? Who is going to notice? That is the question. Who notices is the answer. The "noticer" is the one that makes you feel like you are above average, like you are special, like whatever talents or traits you have, it will always be the best, that no one will ever be able to top you.
I have performed all the tricks in my bag, and I have failed. I put up a long and arduous case, and was handily defeated. Fine. I quit.
Never happened. Not once.
But for some reason I still cling to the hope that somewhere, at some time, someone is going to find me special. I've toned it down quite a bit since I was 8, but it's still there. I'm just not as surprised when someone doesn't notice me. Or when I'm not the one they think of first.
I like attention. Lots of it. But I lack the things that get people attention. I lack the looks, the talent, the wit, the charm, and that other certain something that seems to bewitch people. Nope. Instead they talk to me while thinking about someone else that they wish they could be talking to. They tolerate attention from me but long to get it from another. They turn to me when all other options are exhausted.
It's disappointing. It's depressing.
To know how not special or amazing or intriguing I am not to just someone, but everyone. Being average is lonely. Sometimes I wish I could board up the door of my little bedroom and unhook every outlet to other people and just stay here forever, without having to face the bitter disappointment of being lost in the middle. I would never again have to see how unnoticed I am, or hear how unexciting my voice is, or feel how unwanted my body is. I could be average, but the best at it in my own little space where no one could tell me different.
But that, too, is lonely. Safe, but lonely.
So it appears the only solution to the dilemma is to not be average. How does one go about that? How does one set themselves apart from the rest? Who is going to notice? That is the question. Who notices is the answer. The "noticer" is the one that makes you feel like you are above average, like you are special, like whatever talents or traits you have, it will always be the best, that no one will ever be able to top you.
I have performed all the tricks in my bag, and I have failed. I put up a long and arduous case, and was handily defeated. Fine. I quit.
posted by Ocean | 11:53 PM
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